Say You're Sorry

What are the rules for "sorry" and why do we have them? Where did we get the idea that feeling badly was adequate recompense for doing wrong? Criminals get lighter sentences if they show "remorse", and the more the better, as if that would repair any damage that they have done. Murderers are more likely to get executed if they don't show remorse. How much "sorry" is enough, and how do we measure it?

If someone has done something to hurt someone or damage their property, why don't they feel an obligation to make it right? Why do we accept apologies instead of demanding change? We get mad when an adult does something wrong and refuses to say he is sorry; we worry about children who do something wrong and apparently feel no remorse. If an adult harms us in some minor way and says something like: "I see that my behavior harmed you, and I'll change it", we would not be satisfied, even though rationally he has responded appropriately. He also must express some kind of remorse or regret, or we will likely feel "disrespected" or worse, that the person is a "bad seed" of some kind, a psychopathic wolf amongst us sheep.

In fact, when someone refuses to express "sorrow" for a rude behavior,we are likely to experience it as a challenge, a personal challenge, It's almost an invitation to a fight, although it's not clear exactly what a fight is expected to accomplish. It may be related to the challenge behavior of primates within a pack, in which a senior member is challenged for his/her position of authority.

But where did we get the idea that we are absolved from personal responsibility by simply saying "I'm sorry?" Feeling guilty or being sorry without changing behavior is a con job.