Lies in relationships, an expansion

Honesty destabilizes, for good or for ill.  It creates the possibility of change.  But change can be in many flavors and directions.  For instance, confessing to an extramarital affair will very likely result in substantial change. However, change in itself is by its nature unpredictable.  When we tell the truth, something new can and will happen.  There is no guarantee that the change will be for the better, depending on how you define "better".

Psychotherapists and counselors are change agents.  We are hired by people who are troubled and unhappy to promote change in them and in their situation.  Since they are already unhappy, change is somewhat more likely to be in a positive direction.  So we tell the truth and encourage our patients to tell the truth.  This honesty can destabilize their inner world and ultimately their relationships, including with the therapist.  Therapists are trained in keeping the changes from damaging the relationship with the therapist, although this is not always possible. The relationship frequently becomes uncomfortable and produces anxiety, sometimes in both the patient and the therapist.  Sometimes the discomfort is great enough to cause the relationship to end.

The therapist is also trained to detect dishonesty and to confront it, so that change can take place.  People are frequently dishonest, even with themselves, and being confronted with the truth allows for growth to occur.  A good working assumption is that recognizing the truth in oneself results in positive change.  It is also necessary for the therapist to be honest.  That does not mean the therapist says everything in his or her mind.  The therapist has the additional obligation to consider the kind of changes and discomfort that arise and to avoid those that might be harmful to the therapy.

The therapist is obligated to be kind as well as honest.  While this is a good idea for all human relationships, it is especially true in the therapeutic relationship.  Therapy is not a friendship with equal and mutual obligations.  Therapists are not there to get better, themselves.  The relationship is not balance or equal, which is one of the reasons money changes hands.

Honesty in relationships also promotes anxiety, in that the changes that occur are not predictable, and it is easy for most of us to predict bad outcomes.  Constant growth and the anxiety that accompanies it would be increasingly uncomfortable.  Sometimes we need stability rather than constant change.  Yet if a relationship becomes too stable and "comfortable", it can stagnate and become monotonous, even boring.   We seek a balance between comfort and the excitement and intimacy of growth.

So how do we arrange stability in an intimate relationship?  We tell lies of omission.  In other words, we choose our honesty with care.  We have to respect the right and need of the others in our relationships for some stability and comfort.  Choosing which things to talk about and when requires considerable skill and sensitivity.  All the parties in a relationship are not equally available for change all the time.  And some topics require absolute (and kind) honesty if the relationship is to survive.

There is no simple formula for this balancing act.  In psychotherapy it's relatively easy, because the client is there for change, not comfort.  But in intimate relationships like marriage the comfort of both parties must be considered.

Mandatory alcohol detection for drivers

10,000 deaths a year and a million arrests for drunk driving.  You think that's important enough for us to stop it?  Do we do or do we don't want drivers on the road who are impaired by alcohol?  I'm not so concerned about the danger to them.  I am concerned with the danger they pose to others.

The technology is here now.  Using a built-in breathalizer that disables the ignition when alcohol is detected on EVERY new car sold in the US would go a long way to stop that. New technology involves a finger scan and would be even more effective.

There would need to be a stiff penalty for disabling the alcohol detector, such as lifetime revocation of driver's license and termination of all accident or liability insurance, for the first offense.  Second offense would need to be something like a lifetime sentence to a labor camp.

We could stop all those deaths and injuries if we chose to do it.  The added cost of the breathalyzer is minimal weighed against the deaths and damages incurred by drunken drivers.   Make the convicted drunk drivers pay for the installation in everyone else's car.  How about adding to the disabling of the ignition a red flashing light on the roof or automatic alert and tracking through gps?

There is no excuse for driving while impaired.  None.  We don't stop impaired driving  because it might inconvenience us sometimes.  Let's be honest. Enough already.  It is economic and human common sense to stop it now.