Lies and truth

We all tell lies sometimes. We all value the truth and truthfulness. Why do we lie? What purpose does lying serve?

We lie to keep things predictable, stable and therefore controllable. Telling a lie allows us to be fairly sure we know what is going to happen next. Telling the truth, on the other hand, always leads to less predictable consequences in relationships. ("Lies" include lies of omission, which I define as withholding information that the other person(s) in a relationship has a right and a need to know.)

Example: A person in a relationship in which both parties have agreed to sexual fidelity has a sexual relationship with another person. If the unfaithful party tells the truth, the relationship becomes unpredictable. It might be worse or better, but not in any easily predictable or controllable way. If the person plausibly denies infidelity, the relationship is much more predictable and stable.

People (including authorities and political leaders) tell lies (or withhold information) in order to predict and control the interpersonal outcomes of their current situation. When they tell the truth, the outcome is inherently less predictable and thus less controllable.

Sometimes we prefer to be lied to. We don't always want to have to change. Much of the time we want our world to be predictable, stable, controlled. Sometimes we prefer to ignore the truth because we don't want to face the the consequences of the truth. Lies can keep us more comfortable, at least for the time being. When I was learning to make an emergency landing in a helicopter at night, the instructor said to turn on the floodlights as I approached the ground. I asked "What if I don't like the situation I see?" He replied "Then turn the lights back off".

There are as many reasons for lies as for the truth. Sometimes the lie we tell (or information we omit) is to ourselves. We don't want to tell ourselves the truth at times because we don't know what we'll do next. Our internal map becomes unstable and unpredictable, and we prefer the comfort of the lie. Lying to ourselves keeps us stable and sometimes stability is a good thing. Stability comes at a price; needed changes accumulate and can avalanche on us.

Of course, discomfort is a spur to growth, so it's predictable that maintaining dishonesty about ourselves to ourselves (such as a persona or mask) keeps us from growing emotionally. I have known for many years a man who excuses his unwillingness to change by saying "I'm just broken emotionally". This particular lie increases his stability; one should remember that stability and growth are mutually incompatible. In this last observation lies (sorry) the key to psychotherapy. Telling the truth to ourselves at last (and with the witness of another person, such as the therapist) makes us uncomfortable, emotionally less stable, and spurs us to continue our growth toward emotional maturity. As a psychotherapist, a major part of my job is to detect dishonesty in all its forms and encourage telling the truth. The most influential book I ever read, both for my own therapy and for my development as a therapist, is "Effective Psychotherapy" by Helmuth Kaiser. He states (and I believe) that all that is necessary for therapy to work (and growth to occur) is for one of the people present to say what they mean and mean what they say.

"But shouldn't we always tell the truth?" someone always asks. The simple answer, of course, is "No." In my opinion other values come into play. Kindness counts. Social skills matter; cocktail parties are not confessionals, for example. Good information is important. Sometimes we have to weigh one against another. Not every question demands or even expects an honest answer. If I ask my wife if I'm looking old or fat, I want her to reassure me, not tell me the truth. I also believe that there is always a price for telling lies, and it accumulates over time.