Trust and infidelity

Many times couples come to see a therapist after one of them has had an extra-marital affair.  The question asked (usually by the wronged partner) is "how can we rebuild our relationship" which usually resolves into a different question:  "How can I rebuild my trust in my partner again?"  Of course, the answer is that you can't. The wronged partner will always have the knowledge that their  partner broke their word and obviously is capable of breaking it again.

The reason they struggle so hard with this question is that it is the wrong question.  As asked, it  is unanswerable.  There is no way to undo what someone has done.  No amount of apology or explanation or resolves to "do better" can change the past.  An important contract between the two people has been broken.  It cannot be repaired, but a new contract can be forged.  "Forgiveness" is not the issue, because you can't stop knowing what you now know.  However, grieving is painful, and resentment and anger are "easier", so sometimes the question is:  Is the wronged partner willing to let their anger go, grieve the lost "trusting relationship" and build a new one?  That's not a simple or easy question.  What's important is to recognize that there is nothing the unfaithful partner can do about it.  Trusting is ALWAYS up to the truster.

It is important in ANY contract to know what are the conditions in which the contract is broken, and what are the consequences?  When this issue is addressed AFTER  the contract is broken, the genuine issues as to consequences are heavily overladen with emotion:  anger, grief, fright and sadness.  It is much more healthy to make such decisions about the contract at the start of the serious part of the relationship.  One should ask (and be asked) what are the "deal-breakers?"  Finding out what the consequences of a broken contract after the contract is broken is very difficult.  Boundaries are best defined before they are broken.

But be that as it may, answering the "right question" is difficult in a different way.  The right question (or questions) for the wronged partner are something like:  Do I want to continue this relationship, even though it has been damaged?  If so, under what conditions do I want to do this?  And what will be the boundaries?  For the unfaithful partner the question is more on the order of:  What kind of contract can I keep?

It must be recognized that trust is a gift given to the other person, not something that must be earned by them.  The trust you give to someone is your gift to them.  Once broken, there is nothing they can do to repair it or get it  back.  Trust is up to the truster, not the trustee.  The truster must make their own decision, knowing their partner, whether the relationship is worth trying to salvage.  The old relationship is forever changed.

Trust, once broken, is no longer salvageable by promises or even good behavior.  One can, however, be clear about the conditions under which the relationship will be continued, if it is to be continued.  The power in the relationship is now in the hands of the person who was wronged.  The old relationship is dead and must be grieved.  A new contract must be written, and a new relationship built with eyes wide open.

Of course this is possible, though difficult.  The key to the success of such a project is at least partially dependent on whether the parties know clearly what the conditions of termination are.  The partners both have to recognize that they are helpless to protect themselves against the possibility of dishonesty, and there is no assurance that it will not happen again.  They are starting again, but this time knowing a little more about each other, and hopefully knowing what and where the boundaries are.

Bearing Witness

As I look backward over a long life-time, I can see what seem to me  important changes that have lowered the quality of life.  I want to discuss one of these with you with the hope that you might have the ideas that could lead to change or perhaps just to help me understand this issue better.

One of the changes that I  notice, probably because I'm a  psychotherapist, is that with the increased splintering of family structures and the increasing distance in relationships, we are each more alone than in the past.  Many people in my age bracket (antique) grew up in families where at least one parent did not work but remained in the  home.  Children had more supervision and attention and also had more opportunities to learn.  In addition, they had someone to whom they could turn when they were troubled.  Now they turn to each other, with frequently disastrous results, especially if they learn to medicate their pain with drugs.

I think that we seem to be losing the sense of having someone in our lives who understands us and our problems, who is kind and sympathetic but who does not direct or chastise.  I think of my grandmother, for example.  She did not offer to solve my problems, but she knew many of the things that troubled me and understood them.  It seemed to me important that this occurred, and even now, so many years later, it still seems important.  What she did is what I call "bearing witness".

I recall while away from home going through an especially troubling conflict which left me anxious and grieving.  I was sitting in the lobby of a hotel, trying to gather my thoughts.  A good friend who was staying in the same hotel was passing by, stopped and looked at me closely, and said "You look troubled."  I agreed that this was the case.  He sat down and said "I don't know what troubles you, but I think I will just sit here for awhile with you."  And he did so.  I experienced this as both very kind and also helpful in ways that are hard to quantify or explain. Yet the experience remains vividly with me over 40 years later.

The experience is similar to "sitting with" someone who is grieving.  They don't need problem-solving skills or "reassuring" comments.  What they (and we) need is someone who is willing to bear witness to our pain and to treat it with respect and tolerance.  I believe this is a very important thing that humans can do for one another.

It is this "bearing witness" that I believe we are losing.  More and  more often I find myself as a therapist simply bearing witness to the pain of another.  The issues are not "therapeutic".  They are simply the need for someone in pain to have that pain recognized and respected.  Since they are unable to find a grandmother or good friend, they hire me to be their witness.  The most important thing I can do for them is to be quiet and wait with them, not to attempt to comfort or problem-solve in a vain attempt to minimize our own discomfort with their pain.  Distancing ourselves from those in such pain is not helpful.

What a shame that we are reduced to hiring friendship or a quasi-uncle to provide for such a simple and basic need!  We shouldn't have to hire a psychotherapist just for simple human contact.  Nor should we think all our sorrows should be managed by changing our attitude or taking a pill.  Unhappiness is not an illness or a neurosis. It's just part of the human condition.

A Mother Answers a Five-Year-Old's Questions About God (Part One)

I have a number of grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and the conversations I hear and imagine between mother and child are fascinating and frequently take an unanticipated turn.  The following conversations took place on a road trip, which is often a place where extended conversations can take place.  It's clear that parents who have not anticipated and prepared for these questionings can find themselves getting in deeper and deeper.  (I made a note of a couple of spots that proved problematic). So here is the first of several installments.7

Does God have a peepee?
Yes, honey.  We know that because God is a man, and men have peepees.

Does God have to pee?
I don't know.  I guess so. (This is  where she went wrong, I think)

Does he have a toilet?
No.  He pees into the clouds so that makes rain!.

Does it get on us when it rains?
No!  He pees over the oceans so it doesn't get on anybody.

Does he drink water?
He can drink anything He wants.

Where does he get stuff to drink?
He probably sends his angels to get some for him. I think there is milk in the Milky Way.

Do they go to the store like we do?
No.  I think they get it from the sky.

Can we see them get it from the sky?
Sometimes you can.  They look like a streak of light, because they go so fast.  Some stupid people call them 'shooting stars'. But they're angels getting milk for God.

God is real big, isn't He?
Yes, of course.

So his peepee would be real real real big too.
I suppose so.

Would it be bigger than Daddy's?
Oh yes. Definitely. A lot.

At this point snickering and outright giggles from other passengers brought this particular interchange to a halt. A brief halt for beverages and gasoling intervened.  After the break the same two people  are involved in the subsequemt conversation.  I think it should be clear by now that making things up as you go along can be a lot trickier than you might have thought, and the conversations take you to very peculiar places when they are not planned.

Does God wear clothes?
I think so.

Where does He get them.
From the God Sky Store, I think.

Does He have to give them money?
No. It's His store.  It's the God Sky Store.

Can we go to that store, the God Sky Store?
Maybe when we get old and die.

Dead people go to the God Sky Store?
Um, yes, I guess they do.   (This turned out to be a mistake, I think)

What do they do there, the dead people?
I think they put things on the shelves so God can find them.

Where do they get stuff big enough to make clothes for God?
Way, way out in the sky past the stars is the Big Stuff Place.  That's where they get it.

Does it grow there?
Yes.  They grow Big Stuff and they sew it together on Big Machines for God.

So when we die do we have to go to the God Sky Store and work?
I suppose so.  Either there or the Big Stuff Place.

I don't think I want to go there..
Well, you have to.  We all have to.  It's just the way things are.

How do you know?
They told me at church.

How do they know at church?
I think God or one of the angels told them.

Have you ever seen one?
No. But they told me they did.

Do God and angels talk to some people and tell them things?
Yes.  That's how we know these things.

Did God ever talk to you?
No.  Not really.

Did an angel talk to you?
No.

Just to other people?
Yes.

Why not to you?
I don't know.  I suppose you have to be very special for God or an angel to talk to you.

I wish I was special.
You are to me.

But not to God?
No, I guess not. But everybody is special to God.  Just some people are more special than others.

Does God only speak to the Special People?
Yes.  It's always been that way.  And the Special People write it down and they tell us.

How does God know which people are Special People?
I don't know.  I think the Special People must be very very good people.

I've been very very good.
Yes, you're a very good child.

But I peed in my bed once.
Yes, but all children do that.  That doesn't make them bad.

Even Baby Jesus? 
Yes, even Baby Jesus.

I wish God thought I was special so He would talk to me.

This discussion definitely took an unforeseen turn.  I plan to listen carefully in the future and make better notes.