Trust and infidelity

Many times couples come to see a therapist after one of them has had an extra-marital affair.  The question asked (usually by the wronged partner) is "how can we rebuild our relationship" which usually resolves into a different question:  "How can I rebuild my trust in my partner again?"  Of course, the answer is that you can't. The wronged partner will always have the knowledge that their  partner broke their word and obviously is capable of breaking it again.

The reason they struggle so hard with this question is that it is the wrong question.  As asked, it  is unanswerable.  There is no way to undo what someone has done.  No amount of apology or explanation or resolves to "do better" can change the past.  An important contract between the two people has been broken.  It cannot be repaired, but a new contract can be forged.  "Forgiveness" is not the issue, because you can't stop knowing what you now know.  However, grieving is painful, and resentment and anger are "easier", so sometimes the question is:  Is the wronged partner willing to let their anger go, grieve the lost "trusting relationship" and build a new one?  That's not a simple or easy question.  What's important is to recognize that there is nothing the unfaithful partner can do about it.  Trusting is ALWAYS up to the truster.

It is important in ANY contract to know what are the conditions in which the contract is broken, and what are the consequences?  When this issue is addressed AFTER  the contract is broken, the genuine issues as to consequences are heavily overladen with emotion:  anger, grief, fright and sadness.  It is much more healthy to make such decisions about the contract at the start of the serious part of the relationship.  One should ask (and be asked) what are the "deal-breakers?"  Finding out what the consequences of a broken contract after the contract is broken is very difficult.  Boundaries are best defined before they are broken.

But be that as it may, answering the "right question" is difficult in a different way.  The right question (or questions) for the wronged partner are something like:  Do I want to continue this relationship, even though it has been damaged?  If so, under what conditions do I want to do this?  And what will be the boundaries?  For the unfaithful partner the question is more on the order of:  What kind of contract can I keep?

It must be recognized that trust is a gift given to the other person, not something that must be earned by them.  The trust you give to someone is your gift to them.  Once broken, there is nothing they can do to repair it or get it  back.  Trust is up to the truster, not the trustee.  The truster must make their own decision, knowing their partner, whether the relationship is worth trying to salvage.  The old relationship is forever changed.

Trust, once broken, is no longer salvageable by promises or even good behavior.  One can, however, be clear about the conditions under which the relationship will be continued, if it is to be continued.  The power in the relationship is now in the hands of the person who was wronged.  The old relationship is dead and must be grieved.  A new contract must be written, and a new relationship built with eyes wide open.

Of course this is possible, though difficult.  The key to the success of such a project is at least partially dependent on whether the parties know clearly what the conditions of termination are.  The partners both have to recognize that they are helpless to protect themselves against the possibility of dishonesty, and there is no assurance that it will not happen again.  They are starting again, but this time knowing a little more about each other, and hopefully knowing what and where the boundaries are.