Bearing Witness

As I look backward over a long life-time, I can see what seem to me  important changes that have lowered the quality of life.  I want to discuss one of these with you with the hope that you might have the ideas that could lead to change or perhaps just to help me understand this issue better.

One of the changes that I  notice, probably because I'm a  psychotherapist, is that with the increased splintering of family structures and the increasing distance in relationships, we are each more alone than in the past.  Many people in my age bracket (antique) grew up in families where at least one parent did not work but remained in the  home.  Children had more supervision and attention and also had more opportunities to learn.  In addition, they had someone to whom they could turn when they were troubled.  Now they turn to each other, with frequently disastrous results, especially if they learn to medicate their pain with drugs.

I think that we seem to be losing the sense of having someone in our lives who understands us and our problems, who is kind and sympathetic but who does not direct or chastise.  I think of my grandmother, for example.  She did not offer to solve my problems, but she knew many of the things that troubled me and understood them.  It seemed to me important that this occurred, and even now, so many years later, it still seems important.  What she did is what I call "bearing witness".

I recall while away from home going through an especially troubling conflict which left me anxious and grieving.  I was sitting in the lobby of a hotel, trying to gather my thoughts.  A good friend who was staying in the same hotel was passing by, stopped and looked at me closely, and said "You look troubled."  I agreed that this was the case.  He sat down and said "I don't know what troubles you, but I think I will just sit here for awhile with you."  And he did so.  I experienced this as both very kind and also helpful in ways that are hard to quantify or explain. Yet the experience remains vividly with me over 40 years later.

The experience is similar to "sitting with" someone who is grieving.  They don't need problem-solving skills or "reassuring" comments.  What they (and we) need is someone who is willing to bear witness to our pain and to treat it with respect and tolerance.  I believe this is a very important thing that humans can do for one another.

It is this "bearing witness" that I believe we are losing.  More and  more often I find myself as a therapist simply bearing witness to the pain of another.  The issues are not "therapeutic".  They are simply the need for someone in pain to have that pain recognized and respected.  Since they are unable to find a grandmother or good friend, they hire me to be their witness.  The most important thing I can do for them is to be quiet and wait with them, not to attempt to comfort or problem-solve in a vain attempt to minimize our own discomfort with their pain.  Distancing ourselves from those in such pain is not helpful.

What a shame that we are reduced to hiring friendship or a quasi-uncle to provide for such a simple and basic need!  We shouldn't have to hire a psychotherapist just for simple human contact.  Nor should we think all our sorrows should be managed by changing our attitude or taking a pill.  Unhappiness is not an illness or a neurosis. It's just part of the human condition.