Lies of omission in relationships:Part 2

To understand the effects of lies, both overt and covert on relationships, it will  be helpful to review the communication rules that govern the experience of closeness and intimacy.  In Transactional Analysis it is proposed that closeness and intimacy are determined by some specific behavioral rules:  1)  When person A expresses an emotion accurately in  kind and degree, and 2) when person B acknowledges person A's statement in both kind and degree,  then 3) Person A will experience greater emotional closeness to  Person B.  It should  be noted that feelings of closeness are not necessarily (or even usually) symmetrical.  Person A may experience greater closeness or distance to Person B than B does to A.  The degree of closeness A experiences appears to be related to how important A's feelings are to A.  For instance, if A says he "really likes cheese sandwiches a lot", and B responds that she "understands exactly how much that liking is", the amount of increase in closeness A experiences is likely to be a tiny one.

This set of observationally-based rules are easily tested out.  Consider your reaction if you tell someone that you are very angry, and they look blankly at you or tell you they don't  believe you.  Another example: after an angry argument many couples report unusually satisfying sexual relationships.  The Stockholm syndrome is a good example of the development of intimacy between captor and prisoner when feelings are expressed clearly and acknowledged correctly, even when the feelings are  (at least initially) negative ones.

With this in mind consider the effects of directly lying (about emotions, specifically) on relationships.  If A tells B incorrectly about a feeling, no matter how B replies, no intimacy is gained.  In fact, an increase in psychological distance is likely to be noted.  If A tells B correctly about a feeling, and B replies inappropriately, no increase in intimacy is experienced. Again, an increase in experienced distance will occur.

When A lies by omission about feelings, A will feel more distant.  A's behavior may change and be noted by B, who will not likely understand what is happening.  To the extent that the emotions are "important" ones to A, A's distance will increase in proportion to their importance.  As an example, consider the following:  A is angry with B but doesn't want to admit it.  B may or may not notice, but in any case A experiences more distance.

It's clear, I hope, that dishonest, unexpressed, denied or concealed feelings can have a profound effect on a relationship, especially if over time the same behaviors are repeated.  Frequently the lies of omission are an attempt to maintain stability in the relationship although at the cost of loss of intimacy.  Intimacy.distance is never static nor symmetrical, and people negotiate for an optimal level of closeness and distance in a never-ending dance.