Guilt and Shame II

Embarrassment, as an emotion, belongs to the "shame" family of feelings and is an interpersonal rather than "solo" feeling. It is related in structure, as is shame, to depression more than anxiety, but certainly has anxious overtones.

Recently, in a therapy group, a member began to cry quietly, and immediately became red-faced and embarrassed. On analysis of her feeling state, she reported thoughts such as "I'm weak, and everyone knows". "People should not cry where others can see." Part of the focus of her embarrassment was her belief in how other members of the group then present would see her. She would almost certainly not be so embarrassed by the same behavior had it been in private.

In her mind she was breaking a group rule whose origins were in her original family. Breaking this rule did not result in exclusion from the group, but did result in group condemnation. The threat of exclusion was real to her as a child, though probably represented less of a threat than she thought. The threat was catastrophic, but came with a prescriptive plan that would avoid the threat being carried out. As a result, the anxiety was limited.

In embarrassment, the focus is a particular behavior which is expected to be changed. It was what she did or might do in the future, not who she was; the negative stroke was for behavior rather than self. As such, it was more limited because it was conditional. She was in effect being warned that exclusion could possibly result if she did not change her behavior. However, the feeling of being "weak" did strike at her sense of worth and self, and became an ever-present threat.

When group members were supportive and even encouraging, she was considerably relieved and less "embarrassed"; it was clear to her and those present that her embarrassment was self-inflicted. Other members of the group were certainly not thinking what she feared. The transferential nature of her feelings and reaction were obvious and could be dealt with as such.