Leverage and personal responsibility

As infants, we struggle with the problem of how to get what we want in a world in which we don’t have the power to get it ourselves. Perhaps one of the first lessons we learn is that we need to get others to do things for us, things they may not want to do. Not many parents like changing diapers or getting up at 2 am to feed the baby, but babies learn that their crying and unhappiness can result in others meeting their needs. As we get older we learn (hopefully) that the more primitive tactics, like screaming, kicking and crying, are not as effective as they once were, so we develop increasingly subtle ways of trying to get others to meet our needs.

When we need something done for us by another person, our choices are only two: we can try to make doing something for us a positive experience, or we can make NOT doing something for us an unpleasant experience. Generally speaking, it’s not always easy to get people to want to do something for us, unless it’s something they want to do for themselves as well. Even things that are mutually pleasurable may not be mutually convenient. A time when an 8 year old wants to go to the movies may not coincide with the time adults are available, for instance. The alternative is to make it as unpleasant as possible for the adult NOT to go to the movies. That is easier to manage and doesn’t require such careful timing. The 8 year old can do his/her best to make life miserable for a parent, while simultaneously reminding the parent that things could be better if they went to the movies.

It’s easier to irritate someone than to please them. People’s responses to negative behaviors are often more predictable than to positive ones. Suppose I want to go out for dinner tonight, and you are tired and don’t want to. I can try the positive method of cajoling or trying to tempt you with promises of great food. Alternatively, I can throw a mini-tantrum or sulk in silence or weep loudly or threaten violence or withdraw or… until it’s easier for you to do what I want than to face the unpleasantness of my behavior. Of course this is emotional blackmail; I’m attempting to make staying at home with me more unpleasant than going out to eat with me even though you are tired. I expect this to “motivate” you to do what I want.

Although we group all these negative behaviors under the heading “manipulation”, truthfully that’s not such a bad word. Positive behaviors are manipulative too, and we don’t want to imply that attempting to get our own way is necessarily a bad thing. Manipulating by negative behavior always results in bad feelings, though, which is a bad way to start a positive experience. Several patients have told me, for instance, that when their spouses aren’t interested (at the moment) in sex, they “sulk” and withdraw. It rarely occurs to them that this is a poor atmosphere in which to encourage sexual pleasure.

The central issue is one of trying to get one’s way by doing things that can be expected to make the other person emotionally uncomfortable. We imagine that if they become uncomfortable enough, it will become their problem to solve, and we let them know what the “right” solution is. We can think of this as trying to make the other person take the responsibility for solving our problem. We may believe, rightly or wrongly, that we have no power ourselves to make things different, but that the other (or others) do have that power.

Examples are abundant and ubiquitous. Suppose my partner/friend/spouse is obese, and further suppose I object. Clearly I can’t make the other lose weight. I don’t have the power to do that. A positive attempt to get them to lose weight might be through encouragement to go on a diet or join a health club or to urge them to get medical help so that their health isn’t damaged. If that doesn’t work, I have the vast range of negative behaviors at my disposal. I can rage at the partner, threaten to leave, show signs of disgust, withhold affection, withdraw emotionally, nag, whine… the list can go on. I don’t have the power to “make” the other go on a diet, so I’m driven back into using the tactics of powerlessness.

As long as we believe the power to change rests with the other person and not with ourselves, we experience helplessness. In actuality, we are not helpless to change the situation, though we are powerless to force the other person to change. We might prefer to believe we are helpless rather than recognizing that the things we have the power to do will result in some difficult and painful choices. In the example above, there are choices that can be made. The partner of the obese spouse can decide to accept the person as they are and try to make the best of it. Alternatively, if that option is not acceptable, they can opt for a divorce or separation; they can set a time frame for action. Other choices are also available, and all come at a price.

The price of recognizing one’s power is that of having responsibility for the consequences. It also means you have to solve your own problems, and that, as Branden said, "Nobody's coming".