Freedom and how to avoid it

Some years ago I recall listening to a woman patient complaining about being "trapped" in a bad marriage. She said she couldn't leave because "of the children"; she said her religion forbade her from leaving him; she said his drinking and abuse were intolerable. "I can't leave him," she said. "It would be too hard on the children". Clearly, however, staying in an abusive relationship was equally damaging to the children, so this choice was essentially a dishonest one. The fact that her religion "forbade" her was simply a rule she chose to follow, rather than a physical necessity.

My attention was drawn to her use of the word "can't". In fact, "can't" is supposed to be used to describe dealing with a physically impossible act. I "can't" lift the house to put a brick under a corner (what a bad idea!). I "can't" fly by flapping my arms. The patient implied by her use of the word that her choices were limited by physical impossibility. She justified not making a possible choice by saying "I can't" which took the choice "off the table". If she had been more honest with herself, she could have said "I don't want to leave him", which would of course raised the question "why not?". She denies herself the freedom (and responsibility!) of making a choice by denying the choice as if it were a physical impossibility.

We do it all the time. "I can't find the time to work out"; "I can't leave my wife/job/kids"; "I can't lose weight"'. When we "can't", we don't have to think about the problem and consider solutions. We have closed the door on that choice; it's just not possible. We don't want to, so we say we can't. We don't want to say "I don't want to".

Many years ago I was whining to a friend of mine about my difficult personal situation and how "trapped" I was. He pointed out that when I left I could drive to Seattle, change my name to Smith and have a new life. He offered me money to pay for the gasoline. He reminded me I had credit cards. I found myself stammering with excuses: "That would be irresponsible! What about supporting my family? my kids?" He replied "I didn't say anything about being irresponsible. That was in your head. I assume that when you get to Seattle or Mexico or wherever you'll get a job and send money back to family. So what's stopping you?" The reality was, of course, that I didn't want to do that, but it was so much more pathetic and pitiful to say that I couldn't. There I was, poor me, trapped helplessly in my own pretense. Of course he was right. It just now occurs to me that about 15 years later he did exactly what he suggested to me. He left town, family, wife, kids, went to another city and never returned.

I think that once you discover that you are in fact free, it's hard to go back to the pretense that you are trapped or enslaved. The fact is, it's terrifying to experience freedom. We actually have to face and recognize choices and consequences. We can't just proceed in our little thoughtless ruts. On a moment to moment basis we have to choose our rut or to leave it, and there are prices to pay both ways. There's no guilt in being a helpless victim, I suppose.... hey, it's not our fault! But every door you walk through is a choice, and so is staying put. And there's always Seattle.