Lies of omission in relationships

In psychotherapy telling the truth is important, since only in the unstable relationship that results from telling the truth can growth occur. To say what you mean and mean what you say, as suggested by Helmuth Kaiser, is a difficult task but ultimately allows people to grow and change.

A patient (ostensibly faithful) asked if he should admit to his wife that three years previously he had had a brief affair, which he described as "meaningless". By that he explained he meant that there had been no emotional involvement with the other person either before or after the sexual event. He states, "I want to be honest with her". (I am for the purpose of this note ignoring the possibility of STD and his responsibility of protecting her against the consequences of his act). He states as justification that if the situation were reversed (which he doesn't believe is true) he would want her to tell him.

What he really means is that he thinks that by confessing his affair he can reduce his feelings of guilt. Of course this would probably work; he would feel some relief and less defensive with his wife. However, she would undoubtedly feel worse, and the relationship would certainly become less stable and more unpredictable. He is willing to feel better at her expense under the guise of "honesty".

On the other hand, if he doesn't tell her (a lie of omission), the relationship goes on as it has in recent months. It remains relatively stable and predictable. However, he would have to go on living with his guilt and defensiveness, recognizing the increase in distance between them (which she may ultimately sense), and limiting any possible growth and change for the better (or worse) in their relationship. She will certainly know him less well than she thinks; he will not discover what changes he needs to make in their relationship to make it better. Over time the relationship may become more stagnant.

He has left himself (and her) no really good alternatives. Each choice will be accompanied by a price, as every choice always is. Each choice results in damage to the relationship. The confession results in acute pain and damage, but the potential for healthy (but not necessarily pleasant) change. The lie of omission results in a slow and chronic pattern of distance, rigidity and loss of intimacy. He simply has to choose which kind of pain he prefers.

I seem to be making the assumption that good relationships must grow, and that therefore honesty is required. I'm not sure this is true, however, One can make the case that there may be times when relationships should be static, where no important changes occur, where individuals in the realtionship may remain consistent and predictable. Acttually, relationships go through periods of stasis as well as of growth. We seem to need both; I don't think many people would like constant change and unpredictability in their personal life.

So you pay your money and make your choice.