Dishonesty Dialogues V

The following dialogue is with a patient who has always been the family "ugly duckling", stupid, unloveable and in every way unable to compete with her sister, who is considered "perfect".Pt: ... so I.. we went to the fair, and I had some extra money because I got my check. And C mentioned she hadn't gone because she didn't have the money to spend on it. I asked her if she wanted to borrow $10 and could pay me back whenever. I said "It doesn't make any difference to me". And you know what I said? I said "I have all the money I need." Now why did I say that?
Ther: Why do you think?
Pt: I guess to impress her. A stupid thing! I never did that before in my life, and I thought, "Why am I trying to impress her?" I guess.
Ther: You wanted to impress her?
Pt: I guess. I don't know why I said that. I couldn't believe I said that, afterwards. I never, it never dawned on me what I said right then. Ther: Did you want her to be able to take the money and feel okay about it?
Pt: Probably part of it. Because I did want her to take it. I mean, I'm not rich, but I do have enough money to give her $10.
Ther: So why was it "stupid" to try and make her more comfortable? Is there something else you said that I'm missing?
Pt: No, but I shouldn't have said that! I don't have all the money in the world!
Ther: But your lie was intended to do what? Impress her that you're rich?
Pt: No. I knew she already knew I didn't have a lot of money.
Ther: Did you want to impress her with what a giving and nice person you are?
Pt: Not that either.... I hardly know her and I don't even much like her.
Ther: So... the lie was for what purpose, then?
Pt: To make her feel OK about it.
Ther: What's the matter with that? Is that a bad thing to do?
Pt: No, I'm just saying it was a stupid thing to do.
Ther: How, "stupid"?
Pt: Well, maybe "clumsy" would be a better word.
Ther: So it was clumsy, awkward. But it was well meant, it was an attempt to make someone else feel better. You don't like people to feel bad.
Pt: No, I don't want them to feel bad. That hurts.
Ther: So you embarrassed yourself to make someone else feel better. Your intentions were good.
Pt: Intentions. You know you can't go by intentions.
Ther: Not entirely, but they do count too, you know. Maybe you were awkward and you exaggerated in order to me her feel more comfortable. What's the worst part about it?
Pt: That I lied, and I did it so easily.
Ther: So you've found a way to think of something you did that was actually nice, and you change it around so that you can think badly of yourself.
Pt: No!
Ther: Yes! Are you going to try and tell me there was nothing good about what you did?
Pt: (Long pause) No. I guess...
Ther: Why is it so important that you think badly about yourself?
Pt: (Long pause) It's safer that way. If I'm no good, then... it scares me to feel like I'm good. It scares me to think someone might like me. So I have to drive them away.
Ther: Loneliness is better than.... what?
Pt: Being hurt.
Ther: You believe that?
Pt: Absolutely!
Ther: Another half-truth.
Pt: What do you mean?
Ther: Well, let's look at what you said you believe. Your only choices in relationships are what?
Pt: Being safe by myself, and lonely. And on the other hand, caring and getting hurt and rejected.
Ther: That's the downside of both. What's the up side?
Pt: Well, being with someone, being loved, caring about someone, having a friend. And on the other side of that is if you care about them and they leave you, the hurt is unbearable.
Ther: So you balance on one side feeling loved and lovable, companionship, closeness plus the certainty of getting hurt, sooner or later; on the other side is safety, the assurance of NOT being rejected, plus the steady ache of loneliness.
Pt: That's it.
Ther: Just don't lose sight of the pluses as well as the minuses.


The careful reader might note that the exaggerations made by the patient ("unbearable hurt") are for the sake of justifying a choice she has already made. The whole thrust of the earlier part of the section is to demonstrate that she is "stupid" and can't do anything right. This proves her parents right about her and reinforces her unconscious wish to take the blame so that she can maintain the fantasy of perfect parents who will someday love her if she can just stop being "stupid".