The Point System in Love and Marriage

Perhaps you think that couples rarely keep track of good deeds and jobs well done by either party. Or maybe you believe that couples keep only enough of a rough balance so that chores and tasks don't get too lopsided. Well, in an ideal world that would be the case, But in this world there is a system that women use to track the affectional part of the relationship, which I call the Point System. Points are used to keep track of how loving the male partner is with his woman. If this sounds a little one-sided, that's because it is. Men don't track women's romantic attachment. They simply assume it is there.

Men are aware, however, that they are being tracked. Points are being counted. We have a general sense of how well or how poorly we are doing. Interestingly, relatively soon after the marriage ceremony, we begin to have a vague and uncomfortable feeling that we are not doing something right. This is correct. I will explain how this comes about, from having had years of marriage (to various women) and from years of listening to them as a therapist.

Women keep a mental account of how they are treated by us. When we do something that strikes them as a positive, loving thing, we get a plus point. When we do something that strikes them us uncaring or even unkind, we lose a point. So much is obvious. What is not obvious is that we lose points whenever we merely do the expectedly nice things. To gain a point or even to stay even we have to go beyond the call of duty.

For instance, on Valentine's Day, taking her out to dinner and giving her a nice and loving (not comic) card gets you no negative points. It does NOT give you positive points, because you have not gone above and beyond the expected. You have only done your duty, and that's a zero-point operation. We lose points whenever we might have done something especially nice, without having been hinted at or coaxed, and we didn't. As an example, a female patient told me that her husband had driven the car right past a road-side stand selling her favorite flowers, and he didn't stop. He lost points. Being loving and affectionate while expecting or hoping for sex later is at best a zero point operation, and if egregious enough, is a major point-coster.

It should be clear that we men will spend our lives with points steadily going down. By the time we have been together a while, the points are generally overwhelmingly negative, which results in irritated, caustic and resentful behavior by the women in our lives. This does not cost them points, of course. Responding to their negative behavior in an irritated way costs us points. Treating them nicely when they have said something caustic is just a zero-point option. Just reading this blog to her has undoubtedly cost me a bunch of points.

It's technically possible, I suppose, to have at some time a positive point balance. It is not possible, however, to keep it positive. It's just a matter of time.