Passive resistance

"I forgot".
"I was busy."
"I didn't feel well."
"Huh?"
"You never told me to.. like... do it."
"You didn't tell me what you wanted".

We call this behavior "passive-aggressive", and in past years treated it as if it were a psychological disorder. People who did this a lot were described as "passive-aggressive personalities", or even "passive aggressive personality disorders". Over a period of years, however, we began to recognize that such behaviors, while immature in manner, are part of our regular repertory of behavior, and that we all use passive-aggressive behaviors at certain times. As a diagnosis, it's not included in the current DSM.

When do we observe passive-aggressive behavior, with its characteristic body postures, voice tone and facial expressions? The first and most obvious examples are easily seen in most teen-agers. Whatever they were told to do, they didn't do it, and they have a "reason" for not being compliant. The reasons are transparently dishonest in adolescents, but when adults use them they are not so transparent.

Passive-aggressive behavior is also easily observed in a variety of situations with adults. In jails and penitientiaries the prisoners use such excuses to the people in power. The guards use them with their bosses. Office workers may use this behavior with supervisors. Soldiers use this with their superiors.

What do these situations have in common? In all of the above there is a perceived strong power differential between the person giving the "order" and the person receiving it. This power differential includes the power to punish, and the person receiving the order does not feel able or willing to openly resist. The resistance, as manifested in passive-aggressive behavior, is indirect. It is designed to provide an "excuse" so that the non-compliant person doesn't get punished or have to directly oppose the person in power. In situations in which the "power person" is reluctant to punish or is ambivalent about punishing, the "excuse" plays on that ambivalence to give the power person an "out".

In couples counseling I often see passive-aggressive behavior on the part of one of the partners. A great deal of resentment builds up in both members of the partnership. Usually the passive-aggressive partner is reluctant to deal with the issue, and for exactly the same reason they are passive-aggressive: they fear retaliation, physical or emotional.

Passive-aggressive behavior is specific to a particular relationship or set of relationships. The same person who is passive-aggressive toward his wife may not be so toward other adults. The p-a behavior is in response to a perceived power differential, in which one partner is seen as having most of the power, even as being a bully. "Bullying", in this context, may mean physical mistreatment or emotional mistreatment in the form of rage, temper tantrums, tears, threats, or withdrawal.

The problem to solve is not in attempting to change the passive-aggressive behavior. It can only be solved by directly addressing the perceived power differential and confronting it. It is surprisingly difficult to get this issue to the surface, as cultural norms do not allow adults to admit easily that they fear being bullied, especially emotionally, by their partner.