Self-deception

We can understand why people lie to each other. They lie for some sort of advantage, personal or financial; they lie to avoid disharmony or disagreement, to impress, to mislead. Why do we lie to ourselves?

As a psychotherapist, I spend a lot of time listening to people lie to and about themselves. Generally we lie to ourselves to maintain an image of ourselves more or less false to fact. We reassure ourselves that we are stronger, braver, more able to tolerate pain than we really are. We present to ourselves the image of ourselves we would like to have others see. We deny our age, appearance, weight, sadness, disappointment and grief. As when we lie to others, we lie to maintain a stable and manageable world, one in which we do not have to adapt nor change.

On a deeper level, we always know when we are lying to ourselves. It takes energy not to know what we know. Turning a blind eye to ourselves in spite of all the evidence is effortful.

I think it was Fritz Perls who said that change begins with who we are, not with who we want to be. We have to be willing to let go our fantasies of ourselves before we can recognize what we can or cannot change. So our conversations with others are full of dishonesty and pretense, as we try to present ourselves in accordance with our self-delusion. Others pretend to be deceived because it is easier, more comfortable, and certainly more socially acceptable to be dishonest. Besides, when we accept the dishonesty of another we have a sort of bargain that they, in turn, will accept our dishonesty in return. In this way our social and internal psychological systems remain stable and predictable.

People who promote instability and change in relationships do so by being honest and hopefully kind as well. Psychotherapists make a living by doing this, but loving friends can also serve this purpose. It takes a strong relationship to withstand much honesty, but any relationship that embodies honesty promotes change and growth. Kindness is optional in the encouragement of growth, but as I get older it seems to be a more and more important option.