When you spend a significant amount of time with another person (or persons), you begin to adjust your behavioral choices to that person. You tend to do things that please the other(s) if you like them; if you don't you tend to do things that may not please them.
As you enact your choices, you reinforce some values you hold and weaken others. Over time your values shift in the direction you have been choosing. You become more the person who has adjusted to the other. In some instances, especially if you have a strong bond with the other person(s), your values become more like theirs. Moreover, as I said in the most recent post, the other person tends to "pull" certain kinds of behavior from you, just as you "pull" certain kinds of behavior from them.
An extreme (and somewhat bizarre) example is the psychiatric diagnosis of "folie a deux". In this situation, the significant other of someone who is delusional begins to develop the same delusions as their partner, even though they do not have the physiological structure for delusional disorders. They may literally become psychotic as their partner, though for this member of the partnership the psychosis will abate if the two are kept separate for a while.
In long-term relationships this becomes fairly obvious. As the members adjust to each other, their values become correlated (though not identical). In an unhealthy or dysfunctional relationship, Victims in relationship with a Persecutor or Rescuer become more firmly ensconced in their Victim position. So also do Persecutors and Rescuers. When the relationship is firmly dysfunctional, it is very difficult for either member to change out of their unhealthy role while remaining in the relationship. To do so would require a real commitment to change by all members of the relationship.
I continue to be surprised by how malleable and flexible our personalities are, at least over time. We may think we know who we are, but we don't necessarily know who we may become.
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I think you make many good points. However, you begin with the claim that if you spend a "significant" amount of time with another person, you become more like them, although this is true, research has shown that this mimicry occurs on shorter time scales. Are you familiar with the so called "chameleon effect"(Chartrand & Bargh, 1999? This research basically shows that that behavioral mimicry can occur within very short time frames (i.e., 5 minutes) with complete strangers. Furthermore, the research subject reports liking a confederate much more when the confederate mimics them. Another very basic psychological construct that party explains these behaviors is cognitive dissonance theory. If we behave in manners that are in conflict with our beliefs a discomfort arises. In order to reduce this feeling we can either: change our behavior, or change our beliefs. And we all know it is much easier to change our beliefs!
ReplyDeleteI wasn't familiar with the Chartrand & Bargh research, which is very interesting. And I agree that Festinger's cognitive-dissonance theory helps account for the motivation to shift behaviors and consequently attitudes and beliefs. Essentially I'm applying cognitive-dissonance (as you have obviously recognized) to how relationships change over time AND how the partners in the relationship change to become more like each other in beliefs, behaviors and values.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments!