Anger as magic

Anger is really a simple emotion, so simple and primitive that our words express it less clearly than our behavior. It expresses a simple demand: The person or situation that frustrates us must change. It accompanies a simple belief: Our anger alone somehow has the power to force change in others.

The origin of our belief in the magical power of anger stems from our earliest experiences as infants. We are hungry, cold, wet, and we want our discomfort to change. But we are powerless to end our discomfort ourselves. We scream our discontent, and lo and behold! Someone makes things better! We learn that our rage, our scream of discomfort has the power to force the Universe to change and to satisfy us. Even when we are old enough to realize that this is faulty reasoning, on some levels we continue to act as if it were true.

We anger AT someone to force them to change, to treat us differently. Anger at someone signals we still believe they have the power to make things better, and under that belief a tiny amount is the belief that our anger alone will force the change. We stop being angry with someone when we no longer have any hope or interest in change. Anger signals the unfinished nature of the relationship to which it is attached.

Even when someone we love dies, we frequently find ourselves with moments of anger at them for dying and abandoning us. The irrational nature of the anger is obvious; we don't really believe they can stop being dead and come back to us. However, a small and primitive part of us does believe.

Experiencing anger is a form of hope. We fear hopelessness and hopeless loss. We are afraid of abandonment, being hurt or injured. Anger gives us the energy to be aggressive and to overcome our fearful passivity, so it is quite useful in its way. However, it can help us stay locked in relationships that are no longer valid or even in existence any more, and thus it makes it easier to stay locked in the past.